Finding My Rock To Steady Me

We’ve all had our share of every type of breakup and none of them is ever easy. Even those where you part ways with nothing but love can easily become sticky entanglements of emotions.

I found myself on the other side of this unmessy, loving separation and was smacked in the face about a hundred times by the sheer difficulty of it, a level of difficulty that I quite naively hadn’t expected.

In addition to leaving behind someone I loved, learned and traveled with, I was leaving behind the country in which I created those moments, and returning back to my hometown in which I never envisioned myself in for a long period of time to begin with. Needless to say the combination of these factors with the heartbreak of a separation, loving as it was, was enough to weigh me down and keep me entrenched in negativity with a deep longing for the way things were.

The thing about separating with love is that because there is still so much love there, when you finally arrive at the designated time you start to question if the decision is in fact the right one. And when you start to miss each other, you start to question why you split up in the first place. While that happens in almost every breakup, I’ve never found it to be as hard as it is this time around. It’s almost slightly easier if there’s a very obvious reason for the split. But because this particular relationship has been the best and most loving up till now for me, I found myself asking time and again: if there’s so much love there, why can’t it just work?

I’m hesitant to share that I spent every single ounce of my energy, emotions, and thinking power in trying to answer this question and fighting against the truth of my present circumstances. I was holding on for dear life to the past, to not only two years of time spent with this person, but two years of a different way of life, two years of experiences in

a new country, learning a new culture, a new language. And I was thrown into a rude and clamorous city that ruptured the profound sense of peace and tranquility I had finally been able to establish…. And I was thrown into it without the person who had constantly been a rock by my side to help steady me. I felt completely at a loss, unsure of where to turn except back, unsteady on my own two feet.

Two months in and I was exhausted from the back and forths, and literally run into the ground emotionally and physically. I was becoming ill and driving myself up a wall. In a city where peace is found only if you work hard to get to it, at a job where I very quickly began to overextend myself and burn out, and being confronted with the fact that home was no longer the home I knew it to be, it’s no wonder that I obsessively sought out something of comfort to provide a sense of ease and stability.

Then a beautiful thing happened. I hit my ceiling and I broke through it.

I couldn’t tell you exactly where the change happened, but deciding that enough was enough and seeing the 10 foot deep circle surrounding me from running around, I finally, finally, finally let go.

Breakups are always hard, and we all cope in different ways. In this particular situation I coped by trying to hold on for dear life, trying to figure a way out to get back to the way things were, and when that didn’t work, contemplating straight up leaving for a whole new continent only one month into my new job. But all of those options would have resolved nothing, other than serve as a short-lived escape from the deeper issues at hand, and I would not have arrived at the place of deep joy that I now find myself in…one of returning to a sense of who I am as an independent young woman with a unique vision for her own life.

There are still those rough moments, and I know they’ll continue to surface for a while. But they only serve to make me stronger and remind me that I had the fortune of loving someone and being loved by someone so deeply. True love  does not hold you back. It serves as an impetus, a catalyst, to launch you to greater heights. And the same can be true of breakups, it’s just a matter of how you direct your mind and energy.

There are no clear cut steps to healing a broken heart. The only words of advice I can share are that it is absolutely crucial that you rediscover and return to the very root of who you are as a young woman. Because it is in that place that is within you that you will find the rock you need to steady you.

I am a warrior goddess.

I am unthinkingly powerful.

I am beyond capable.

I have unlimited potential.